WARNING: THE FOLLOWING TEXT DESCRIBES THE DEATH OF A MARRIAGE...ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!

i can't begin to tell you when 'it' finally happened...if it was when he told me that i had always been a heavy burden and it was time for me to find work? or when he locked his computer. perhaps it was...no, never mind, some things just shouldn't be spoken aloud.

but sadly, the moment did come when the rope finally snapped...and much to my surprise, i was still alive! was my heart broken? yes. were my hopes and dreams finally dead? yes. but i was still breathing, still smiling, and the funny thing was that i could actually see the teeny tiniest glimpse that my life was going to be okay.

this transformation isn't because of something that i mustered on my own, oh no. i've been a born-again believer in Christ since the mid 80's and although i've been devout in my love and service for Him, it wasn't my faith that buoyed me. it was the love, prayers and support of a few close friends that were truly 'there'. they aren't angels, nor are they super heroes...they were simply 'there'...when my tears wouldn't come, and when they wouldn't stop...when there was nothing left to say...and when i couldn't stop talking...loving me even when i isolated myself for months at a time, not answering the door or the phone!

mehdi...your compassion, wisdom and empathy have changed my life forever.

sandy h...you may have wanted to tell me to tell me that you'd heard enough but you never did :)

doris...you and i should have taken out stock in coffee beans, having shared the best and worst of times over a hot cup of java.

deborah...who has been there for the long haul...the friend who should have given up on me but didn't...not ever.

kathleen...because you cared and always believed i would heal.

sandy m...who has been privy to seeing for herself just how ugly my life has been...but never said 'i told you so'.

brian, who might only have met me through my blog but he's made me felt as though we've been friends for years!

and now i'll finish with these words so eloquently spoken by franklin roosevelt..."When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."

here goes :)

just figured something out today...

i saw myself clearly in a way that i never had before...

and i began to see why my life has been out of balance and full of pain...
just like a wheel, if i don't keep Jesus in the very center of my life i'm apt to allow someone else to be there...and that someone doesn't treat me very well. God forgive me and help to carry on...

if you came here looking for post that is full of fa-la-la-la-la then i'll warn you now to just pass this blog over because i'm going to be sharing my heart about depression. not the seasonal kind because the weather is gloomy...or because you don't have enough money to buy the Christmas you wanted...but the clinical kind of depression that is a constant in your life.

i'm not a stranger to depression...in the beginning the horrid ball and chain entered my life as occasional sadness that lasted only a few days, appearing to be 'typical' for a teenage girl. then slowly but surely this insidious foe became an awkward friend, and deceptively began to infiltrate my heart, soul, and mind...becoming me, and i was unable to see myself any other way except depressed. it was as if i were trapped inside of a wet paper bag but unable to break through it, no matter how hard i tried.

but this isn't about me...it's about me being a friend to someone who suffers from depression. you'd think having been through it myself that i would have some better grasp on how to behave but i have to admit to you that i'm baffled and angry at my behavior. i want to be respectful of his need to be alone but on the other hand i find myself unwilling to sit by and do nothing. i totally understand that he doesn't want to try and explain the pain to me yet i find myself somehow cornering him with my concerns and then feeling as if i'm forcing him to give information he can't/won't share...and then worried that he'll just put as much distance between himself and i as he can...to protect himself from me.

i've never been in this place before, loving someone who was being engulfed in darkness. i'm willing to fight for them but instead i feel helpless as they battle this foe on their own, in their own way.

so i find myself sitting on the sidelines, but not by my choice...vowing to myself that i'll not be idle while i'm there. if anything, my own battles with depression have caused me to be a warrior, quietly slicing through his darkness with the faith i've been given through Christ Jesus. perhaps i can't reach into his abyss...but i know One who can! i remember, oh so well, that i was (over and over!) isolated in a death trap...yet He was there...quiet and powerful, nurturing and strengthening me all the while. it's these experiences that have proven to me that we can't go anywhere that He's not there, loving us back to life, fighting unseen forces that threaten to overtake us. i find i must rely on this same love for my dearest friend... 

so am i worried? yes, because we are such fragile creatures! but my confidence is not in what i can or cannot do but truly in the One who has the power to set captives free...even when the prison is unseen, within our own minds...

thanksgiving 2010 comes to a close...

...i've been silly and elusive the past few posts and have begun to realize that even if i went into all the details of how a wonderful friend came into my life, you might never believe me!! so instead, i'll share a little of this present moment with you...

every one's gone home, the dishes are done and i just mopped the kitchen floor- just so i could walk barefoot on it in the morning without being grossed out ;)
today was an incredible thanksgiving...the table laden with all the traditional foods that tasted even better than last years feast because i had a lot of extra hands in the kitchen!! and after a two hour dinner we lingered around the table, drinking coffee and eating much more than anyone has a right to :) they were all there, the family i love so much...my daughter, her four kids and mehdi...the newest addition to my heart and family! he is the treasure of a friend that i've been so elusive about...wondering how i could rightly present him to all of you :)??
just a few short months ago he had his new visa and passport in hand, leaving the country of iran in his rear view mirror. we had been talking on blogger for some time about what he would do when he came to the states and although i didn't quite understand why, i asked him to seriously consider coming to kentucky where i live. did it make sense, no. he was living in the los angeles area where public transportation and opportunity abound but his heart felt the same tug as mine did and he left california and headed for the bluegrass!
it's been three weeks since he's been here and i find that i'm still pinching myself to see if its truly possible that he's here!! his presence has opened my heart and mind to the awesomeness of God in a way that i've never experienced...realizing that He's on the lookout for any of us to be available for the extraordinary to happen!
and so, we celebrated his first thanksgiving today. i, of course, was hoping that the family would be somewhat spiritual and we could all share, one by one, what we are grateful for...yeah, right! with a 15 year old drama queen, 12 year old twin boys, and a seven year old who won't stay out of the black olives, we are a motley crew, to say the least, but the love and laughter couldn't have been more real as we celebrated another chance to be together. i kept glancing at mehdi (who i was sure would get up and run away as fast as he could) to see if he'd had enough but the contentment on his face told me everything i needed to know...he was home.

imagine, if you will (my sunday 160 offering)

a life of religious restriction, a land torn apart by war, sanctions that make everyday life so unbearable, and any flicker of hope being smothered by sorrow...

the rest of the story...

...imagine if you will that i'm sitting at my computer and reading through the comments that were left at my latest post...all of them touching my heart in one way or another. then i come across one that has been deleted and suddenly, i'm intrigued! i follow back to their blog and read the post...sad and kind of hopeless...and i leave a comment that isn't mean (although i am known for my 'ornry-ness') and i say something a little sarcastic but kind, about not removing my comment...and then i continue on my merry way, enjoying the world of blog.
the next day i receive a very polite comment from my formerly-considered-rude visitor and he is apologizing. okay...so, maybe i'll peek into his world every once in a while, just to see what's going on, eh? i have to admit that i'm drawn to people who are struggling...those who wonder if there is any way out of the hell they find themselves in, whether the pain is self inflicted or not...because i know pain so intimately myself.
well, the more i read through his stuff, the more i wondered 'why'...had he been recently dumped by a lover...was he living with an alcoholic...did his marriage end? after a few months my curiousity got the best of me and i asked him if i could email him rather than leave comments that may be too personal, for all the world to read? i could have never imagined what i was going to find out!


and to everyone who left a comment...thank you!!! you can't imagine how good it feels to be thought about, even after all these months :)

my sunday 160 offering...

who, but my fellow bloggers would ever believe this but i swear that it's the truth..i met this wonderful fella online and my life will never be the same again!

my sunday 160 offering...

in spite of the nasty rumors circulating round, i am alive and doing well on a deserted island.
no phone,
no appointments,
no worries except sand in my shorts!!

(if only! i've actually spent a lot of time getting back into routine and sharing in the exciting journey of a blogger friend who has come to live in the united states! mehdi, welcome home :)

WELCOME HOME, COMBAT TROOPS!!!!

i thank God for your safe return and pray that the transition back into your 'norm' is a smooth one...we have missed you so much! i join the rest of this country in saying THANK YOU for every sacrifice you've made, both here and on foreign soil...

my wordless wednesday, way past 9pm offering ;)