if you came here looking for post that is full of fa-la-la-la-la then i'll warn you now to just pass this blog over because i'm going to be sharing my heart about depression. not the seasonal kind because the weather is gloomy...or because you don't have enough money to buy the Christmas you wanted...but the clinical kind of depression that is a constant in your life.

i'm not a stranger to depression...in the beginning the horrid ball and chain entered my life as occasional sadness that lasted only a few days, appearing to be 'typical' for a teenage girl. then slowly but surely this insidious foe became an awkward friend, and deceptively began to infiltrate my heart, soul, and mind...becoming me, and i was unable to see myself any other way except depressed. it was as if i were trapped inside of a wet paper bag but unable to break through it, no matter how hard i tried.

but this isn't about me...it's about me being a friend to someone who suffers from depression. you'd think having been through it myself that i would have some better grasp on how to behave but i have to admit to you that i'm baffled and angry at my behavior. i want to be respectful of his need to be alone but on the other hand i find myself unwilling to sit by and do nothing. i totally understand that he doesn't want to try and explain the pain to me yet i find myself somehow cornering him with my concerns and then feeling as if i'm forcing him to give information he can't/won't share...and then worried that he'll just put as much distance between himself and i as he can...to protect himself from me.

i've never been in this place before, loving someone who was being engulfed in darkness. i'm willing to fight for them but instead i feel helpless as they battle this foe on their own, in their own way.

so i find myself sitting on the sidelines, but not by my choice...vowing to myself that i'll not be idle while i'm there. if anything, my own battles with depression have caused me to be a warrior, quietly slicing through his darkness with the faith i've been given through Christ Jesus. perhaps i can't reach into his abyss...but i know One who can! i remember, oh so well, that i was (over and over!) isolated in a death trap...yet He was there...quiet and powerful, nurturing and strengthening me all the while. it's these experiences that have proven to me that we can't go anywhere that He's not there, loving us back to life, fighting unseen forces that threaten to overtake us. i find i must rely on this same love for my dearest friend... 

so am i worried? yes, because we are such fragile creatures! but my confidence is not in what i can or cannot do but truly in the One who has the power to set captives free...even when the prison is unseen, within our own minds...